Oh arse, I missed the New Year.

Well, Happy belated New Year, folks! Have we all kept our resolutions? I sure as hell haven't. This is mainly because I didn't make any. Minor details, who needs 'em?

Although good news, everyone! I made the entire countdown this year! Jools Holland was a bit blurry, but that could just have been my tv.

*cough*

And I didn't ring my parents at 2am! I feel I'm making progress. Applaud me, dammit.

So back to uni, back to work, back to the pub. Story of my life, really. I also have an xbox now, possibly the best gift I have ever bought myself. I didn't come out my room for days, and when I did I thought I was an elf.

I'm trying to make this post a bit longer, mainly because I'm procrastinating. You'll all be hanging on my every word anyway. I could say anything ducks cake quill tinsel foot Mrs White lead pipe kitchen and you'd still be listening to me. See, you're still here.

But go away, I have an essay.

I'll leave you with this picture a friend of mine sent me once.

Heh heh, makes me laugh every time.

Love to you all

xxx

Excuse me while I dust off the keyboard.

Hello dear readers!

My word, it has been a long time. Since June? Fuck me. Where did the summer go?

Oh yeah, I drank it away.

But never mind that, I'm at uni! University. Doing a degree. Looking after myself. Managing to cook with only mild burning. Seeing as I used burn water, I feel this is an improvement.

Now, as I didn't update y'all when I got here I'll begin.

Fresher's wasn't as much of a blur as it was for some of the P blockers. However, ask me about Trent Army night and I can tell you I remember falling down the stairs at one point. That is it. I don't know how I got home. Same again on Halloween. Ate half a plate of vodka jelly before going to the campus bar. Queue for the ladies' was far too long, so I used the men's. Girl had to pee, y'know. Fell over on my way to the sink. Sat on the floor, barely able to see, dressed as a zombie. I don't remember getting home that night, either.

But it hasn't all been drinking! I have had to work. Sort of. Out of the two lectures and two seminars I have a week, one of them I have to write shirt stories for. That's kinda fun.

And folks, I have signed the lease on a house. Seven girls, one house. No, we're not making a video. We are thinking of calling it the Playboy Mansion though, ultra feminists that we are. I plan to just bbq all summer, BECAUSE WE HAVE A GARDEN. 10 points to us.

Alright, I'm off to make another brew. My voice has gone completely and I believe tea is the only cure. Not all these modern throat sweets.

Peace and love with a sprinkling of goodwill.

xxx

iPad probably makes quite a good coaster.

I saw the new iPad advert recently.
"What is iPad? iPad is beautiful. iPad is wonderful. iPad is magical. iPad is fantastical. iPad is wonderful. It plays books and reads movies. It is black. It is white. It is both. It is not great at deciding. It is thin. It is expensive. It is a revolution. It is probably not a good idea to ride a motorbike whilst holding one, lady. It..."

Yes, but WHAT IS iPAD? No matter how many adjectives you whack in there, iPad makers, you still don't explain what it actually is.
So I'll have a go.
An overpriced bit of technology that is too big for a pocket (unless you have that coat with massive pockets for stealing things), and does exactly the same things that the technology you already have does.
So don't bother.


On a lighter note, I have been inspired to write down a list of things I absolutely must do before I die.
With the amount I drink, I'd better get a move on.

1. Go hooker shopping with Dave.

2. Write a novel.

3. Go to a gay bar.

4. Go speed dating.

5. Go to a strip club.

6. Get a lap dance.

7. Go to a casino.

8. Get high.

9. Get a degree.

10. Be bought a drink by a stranger.

11. Form a band and actually play some gigs.

12. Write a musical.

13. Perform in a musical.

14. Skinny dip.

15. Drink an entire bottle of rum and manage to stay upright.

16. Go on safari.

That's as far as I've got.
I'll write it down in a notebook I think, and keep adding to it. Hopefully I can accomplish them all.
In fact, I'll start now. Who would like me and Dave to get 'em a hooker?


Peace and love, my beauties.
xxx

Blue moooooooon...

So, I'm watching Avatar for the second time on the small screen, minus 3-D specs. And I have to say, the plot's a little sketchy/shit.
That big dragon thing that no one has managed to capture in like, ever? Surely our main man, a bloke that isn't even a lanky smurf, can't capture that?
Oh, hang on, yes he can.
That's Hollywood for you, folks. Unbelievable stuff will happen.
I still enjoyed it though. And I can't deny the epic graphics. Or the epic amount of side boob on show. James Cameron's wet dream? I think so.


On another note, I have just watched a video in which a chinese dude advertises for a girlfriend.
She must not be one of those girls who has a penis but doesn't tell you.
*wipes small tear from eye*
Thankyou, Jade Bailey, for that excellent bit of footage.


I always feel like I should write a whole lot more on my blog. Something of a similar length to War and Peace, perhaps.
But sod it.
I can't be arsed.
I really only wanted a wee moan about Avatar.

LOVELOVELOVE FOR Y'ALL
xxx

The trouble with small door frames.

I've calmed down now, after my rather angry last post. All mugs are intact.



And I've come to terms with my uni rejections; I can probably nick some failure's place with my shiny three As, but if not hey ho. I'm going to Trent, and do ya know what? I don't really mind anymore. I'm still getting a Fresher's week (in which I'm going to get so trollied I may end up in some other uni/country entirely), I'm still getting a degree and I'm still getting to move out.

WIN.

Sort of.

Anyhoo, I feel wonderful today. Really fucking fabulous. As if I could take on the world, or some shit like that. Honestly, I was looking in the mirror for the 563,927th time today and realised that I am actually amazing. And that my life is also amazing. I am just a brilliant person.

I've got absolutely nothing to worry about - except exams - and I'm completely uncomplicated. That doesn't mean I'm a simpleton (what a fantastic word!), I'm just genuinely happy.
I've got great mates, great grades and great looks.
Not such a great sex life, but I'm working on that.
I also have a tip top personality. I get along with most people, I'm always laughing and I love just about everyone. They definately all love me. Introduce me to an amiable stranger and I will chat until their ears bleed, yet they'll still add me on Facebook. BOOM.


Reading this paragraph, you're probably thinking 'Fuck me, how does she get her head through the door?' And yes, it is a bit of a problem. Sometimes I have to just ram through and leave a head shape in the frame.
But I reckon that from time to time, it's good to tell yourself that you are fantastic. You will start to feel it, and think it, and so will other people.
Self help book in progress, folks.


Okay, that's about it for this week. Well, month or two. I hardly ever write, but the beauty of it is when I do give you the tasty little titbits of my thought you enjoy it all the more.

Night m'dears.
xxx

RAGERAGERAGE.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

NOTTINGHAM UNI REJECTED ME.

FFS. I am in such a rage.

Honestly, I want to shout at somone, anyone, until I'm blue in the face. Purple, even.
I deserve a uni place. I know it sounds a wee bit geeky and sightly vomit-inducing but I love learning. Honestly, I've loved school and college, and I want to carry on my education!
And I can spell! It's an incredibly valuble skill. You'd be surprised how many folks don't have it.

Just think about it - 3 years spent reading and writing. I'd fucking love that!
There's no P.E., no maths, no geography...none of that boring stuff. Just pure English.

And now I have to settle for second best.

Well fuck you Nottingham.
And you too Warwick. Don't think I've forgotten you, slinking out the door there. You were my favourite.

I'm a woman scorned. And all my friends have got offers from wherever they wanted to go.
I'm not even going to bother hiding my jealousy.

Honestly, what did I do to deserve this? I've not killed anyone, I've not stolen anything, I've not coveted my neighbours wife...if this isn't proof there is no god, then I don't know what is.
He's not even getting a capital letter.


And the powers that be want 50% of the population in Uni. 50% of folks aren't clever enough! Don't just shove them all in uni in an attempt to make the country more educated, fuck off and give me my place!


Ok, I'm off to make a brew. I'll try not to throw a mug at someone's head, but I can't promise it.

No peace, no love.
Uni can shove it where the sun don't shine.
xxx

Rejection. Recovery.

Warwick rejected me.

The absolute bastards.

It's because the couldn't handle me, I'll bet. It's because I'm so damn clever I'd outshine the fucking professors.
Anyhoo, I'm over it. Sort of. At least there's still my homedogs, Nottingham Uni. They'll accept me, right? 'Course they will! And if not, I'll go travelling. Or work my socks off, get three As, and steal some failure's place.
Which technically isn't their place if they are a failure.
You'll get used to my logic eventually.


On a lighter note, I need to drink less. Or not mix vodka and wine in the same cup.
*cough* NICHOLAS BROWN *cough*
I have learnt my lesson, slightly. It's not going to stop me though. I am young, fun and fabulous - of course I'm still going to drink! Just a wee bit less, so I'm not completely out of it.
There, I'm on the road to recovery. Alcoholics Anonymous won't be seeing me just yet.


I've recently acquired the longest scarf in the history of the universe, courtesy of Nana McDonald. I feel you all ought to know, whether you give a rat's ass or not. It's about twice the size of me, looks absolutely ridiculous and gets caught under my boots but d'ya know what? I love it.
I hope it doesn't start a trend though. I'd hate for some bugger to copy me. There's only one Jess; no one else could be this damn GREAT.

Oh dear. My head appears to be stuck in the doorway again.

Love, peace, and a hench cup of tea.
xxx